Conscience Stream. Let's see where it goes.
I have a guilt problem. I feel guilty for pretty much everything in my life. Wrestling with responsibility and control. What can I do? What could I have done differently? The simulation machine churns them out in a assembly line of what if's. I strive to be the optimum being and everyday I fall short of it and it happens everyday, the blame goes to me. Perhaps I find it easier to blame myself, as I am one the the things I am certain I have control over. I think the key to breaking that is realizing I have no control over the Mike in the past, so I shouldn't feel bad for his transgressions. This would be easy to employ if it wasn't for OTHER PEOPLE. Other people are what gum up the works, with their expectations and antiquated views on responsibility and justice. I feel the pressure from them at every angle, to the point where my own beliefs get lost in a sea of conflicting ideals. I have no real defense against this and it's a constant struggle. What I'm looking for is the sense of supreme forgiveness, the wiping away of the score, of the sins. This is the allure of Christ. This is the freedom of the gospel. A sense that history means nothing in the light of the now. Not to say we forget our history, but to inspect it and distance ourselves from the emotional weight of it. But this mindset is so difficult to keep constant with the glut of score keeping and high negativity. Blech.
So...guilt and Christ huh? What a lovely incoherent mess. This is what I live for, the ugly mucking through on stumbley legs with a piercing headache.
Today's Drawing (inspired by the word "Frazzled" from the blown fuse in the basement.)
Today's "365" Project (Make a pair of shoes. That don't have to be functional. I took some cardboard and made long foot character shoes.)
"Ski Feet"
.JPG)
I have a guilt problem. I feel guilty for pretty much everything in my life. Wrestling with responsibility and control. What can I do? What could I have done differently? The simulation machine churns them out in a assembly line of what if's. I strive to be the optimum being and everyday I fall short of it and it happens everyday, the blame goes to me. Perhaps I find it easier to blame myself, as I am one the the things I am certain I have control over. I think the key to breaking that is realizing I have no control over the Mike in the past, so I shouldn't feel bad for his transgressions. This would be easy to employ if it wasn't for OTHER PEOPLE. Other people are what gum up the works, with their expectations and antiquated views on responsibility and justice. I feel the pressure from them at every angle, to the point where my own beliefs get lost in a sea of conflicting ideals. I have no real defense against this and it's a constant struggle. What I'm looking for is the sense of supreme forgiveness, the wiping away of the score, of the sins. This is the allure of Christ. This is the freedom of the gospel. A sense that history means nothing in the light of the now. Not to say we forget our history, but to inspect it and distance ourselves from the emotional weight of it. But this mindset is so difficult to keep constant with the glut of score keeping and high negativity. Blech.
So...guilt and Christ huh? What a lovely incoherent mess. This is what I live for, the ugly mucking through on stumbley legs with a piercing headache.
Haiku of the Day:
Floating on a sea
of my own pestilent rheum
reeks of childhood
Today's Drawing (inspired by the word "Frazzled" from the blown fuse in the basement.)
Today's "365" Project (Make a pair of shoes. That don't have to be functional. I took some cardboard and made long foot character shoes.)
"Ski Feet"
No comments:
Post a Comment