Formless

Day Five for Imaginary Life One, Dancer:

Took the day off sick to recoup from the great and terrible month of August. The focus is shifting once more. My transition is afoot.

I spent so time doing some mid-day free-form dance. Like the old days. Like when the mania flowed outta me in hydraulic fits. Rather than the now's cool trickle. The body sings and I'm at home. It's a rare alignment. I make promises like a new lover. This is my dance. It will be all knees and elbows soon enough.

Haiku of the Day:

Small time city build
Livin' day by day by dice
The game reflects life

Today's Drawing

Trepidation

: timorous uncertain agitation : apprehension

Getting Rughl

Day Six for Imaginary Life Ten, Spiritual Counselor:

Here's where it's at.

I'm faltering. Something about the environment, something about the smell of non-earth and sewage makes me insane. I'm unhinging again. And again. The fun-house mirror show is open for business and there's no escape.

Bugs at the corners of eyes and metal in the mouth.

Haiku of the Day:

I'm falling behind
It's like a rash that won't stop
itching or spreading

Today's Drawing

Collude - conspire, plot

Flash-By

Day Five for Imaginary Life Four, Poet:

Master machine
cogs incongruous with dumpy flesh
The skin tries to grow in tandem
but it bleeds and chaffs in protest

there is little resistance

A great maw opens
zippering carpet from concrete
reveling more mechanizations
of steel and oil and tiny plastic parts

Swallow me up creature.

Give me somewhere else to go.

Haiku of the Day:
Grey morning dewdrops
trickle down the pane in spurts
All about threshold

Today's Drawing

Rarified

1 : being less dense
2 : of, relating to, or interesting to a select group : esoteric
3 : very high

Garble

This is supposed to be a check in day.

But the roster's in ruins. The system has been shot to shit. I had mechanization in play this time. I was so sure it would work.

Ruminating on what went wrong. I am many pictures behind, though the record may not reflect it in time. I'm trying to hard to catch up but my care is waning.

I will try to catch up this weekend. I will try and try and try again.

Haiku of the Day:

Artist hangover
spend the day doing nothing
but consuming crap

Today's Drawing

Embellish

1 : to make beautiful with ornamentation : decorate
2 : to heighten the attractiveness of by adding decorative or fanciful details : enhance

Mad Dash

Day Five for Imaginary Life Eight, Playwright:

I did a 24-hour play-writing festival today. As an actor. It was exhausting. Luckily, I only had to participate in the final 12 hours or so and it just took up the entire day. I found out I'm sh*t at memorizing (something I knew already) and it's hard to create a any sense of character when you're trying to remember so much.

All in all the experience was very valuable but not something I would do again unless I knew the people I was working with. And even then...woof. I continue to have these experiences as a stage performer that make me feel like garbage. Part of the reason why "Actor" isn't one of the 10 Imaginary Lives.

After my final workshop in the fall, I won't be perusing it any further in Maryland. At least until I get all the other crap figured out.

Haiku of the Day:

The taste of dead air

draws my head down from the lights.

My resignation

Today's Drawing

Plinth

1 : the lowest part of the base of an architectural column
2 : a usually square block serving as a base; broadly : any of various bases or lower parts
3 : a course of stones forming a continuous foundation or base course

Shakey/All Alone

Day Four for Imaginary Life Eight, Playwright:

I'm going to have a playwrighty few days here as I decided to spend today reading through some of the brilliant comics of Mya Gosling at her site Good Tickle Brain. It fuels the love side of my love/hate relationship with theater.

Haiku of the Day:

Like, no one is here
What on earth am I to do?
Well...my job I guess.

Today's Drawing

Gutteral

1 : articulated in the throat
2 : velar
3 : being or marked by utterance that is strange, unpleasant, or disagreeable

Drag On #3

Day Seven for Imaginary Life Nine, Drag Queen:


Closing night. Over as quick as it began. The lead girl bashes my big toe with her heel while on stage. It may be broken. Family's in the audience tonight. I hear the laughter and see the cell phone out, poised like some spiritual icon. It comforts me that they're not looking at me directly. Everyone is more drunk tonight. I haven't had anything. Not a thing I could ever do before a performance...though not for lack of wanting it. Maybe it would help? Bow bow bow. Picture Picture. I get a taste in my mouth and an ache at the back of my head. I remember why I stopped doing this. I've been reminded more and more lately. 

I just don't like performing.

Haiku of the Day:

A wandering heel
with the force of a grown man
impales my big toe

Today's Drawing

Notch

1 a : a V-shaped indentation
b : a slit made to serve as a record
c : a rounded indentation cut into the pages of a book on the edge opposite the spine
2 : a deep close pass : gap
3 : degree, step

Drag On #2

Day Six for Imaginary Life Nine, Drag Queen:

Second show. Friends in the audience this time. There's a very loose culture around the whole thing. People are drinking a lot especially cast members. It's smelly and cramped. I play with different faces in the corner. After our two "big" numbers, I play flirt with a friend and she buries her face in her hands, incapable of looking at me. This is by far my favorite part of the night. My girl is melancholy and coy - she's been burned too many times. By both men and women. She's the most trustful of strangers - they haven't gotten a chance to get to know her yet.

Haiku of the Day:

Listen while I play
my green tambourine in a
full denim get-up

Today's Drawing

Insinuate

1 a : to introduce (as an idea) gradually or in a subtle, indirect, or covert way
b : to impart or suggest in an artful or indirect way : imply
2 : to introduce (as oneself) by stealthy, smooth, or artful means

Drag On #1

Day Five for Imaginary Life Nine, Drag Queen:

Opened a drag/cabaret show after flying in this morning. A very strange day. It all was very anti-climatic. I was half naked and in screaming boots heels and trying to remember to preserve the "line" of my walk with a variety of other things. I felt wildly out of place - like in some foreign country. I've been having these experiences lately where I'm sure where I am or how I got there, staring at a giant picture of RuPaul in gold while adjusting my wig and checking if I have lipstick on my teeth.

Haiku of the Day:

Girl/men/Boy/Ladies

The hallway is a jumble
of hazzy genders

Today's Drawing

Journeyman

1 : a worker who has learned a trade and works for another person usually by the day
2 : an experienced reliable worker, athlete, or performer especially as distinguished from one who is brilliant or colorful

Family Trip #3

On a Family Trip. Taking another break.

Haiku of the Day:
Conquering the sky
strapped in a tiny vessel
Endorphins throttle

Family Trip #2

On a Family Trip. Taking another break.

Haiku of the Day:
Cabin carousing
It feels like a summer camp
Coasters here we come!

Family Trip #1

On a Family Trip. Taking another break.

Haiku of the Day:

Visit with Mimi
It has been far, far too long
Everything slows down

Bloop

Day Six for Imaginary Life Seven, Survivalist:

Finished my Zombie Survival Guide/Cookbook today. Few things gleaned:

-Building your own Mud Oven would be incredibly fun
-I want to live by the ocean so I can farm oysters and kelp. Also: Eat more kelp. It's crazy nutritious.
-MREs (Meals Ready to Eat - Military Rations) are incredibly fascinating
-I want to can/ferment everything now.
-Composting with worms! WORMS! and bins...

Haiku of the Day:

Escalating scales
like a hollow theramin
in my grey bottle

Today's Drawing

Fret

1 a : to eat or gnaw into : wear, corrode; also : fray
b : rub, chafe
c : to make by wearing away
2 : to become vexed or worried
3 : agitate, ripple

Self Sabotage

Day Five for Imaginary Life Ten, Spiritual Counselor:

Control the failure before they can get to it. Initiate the tailspin when the winds get bad. My disease as the means, as the catapult - climbing into the basket and screaming "Fire!".

Haiku of the Day:

Clipped hair on the skin
A multitude of black lines
Sheered Thin Carotene

Today's Drawing

Panoptic - being or presenting a comprehensive or panoramic view

Neeeeeeeeeerd

Day Five for Imaginary Life Two, Board Game Designer:

Had our third game night tonight. I've created a spreadsheet with all the games I own with playing times and numbers of players so it's much easier to pick out a good game. I've also begun considering levels of difficulty/ease of pick-up for the games as well so you can integrate new folks into the mix. Last time I talked about  some meta-gaming aspects, where players get points/in-game advantages or penalties depending on their gaming behavior. I love the layering of this because then if you're losing the current first level game (the game on the board) you can at least do something to affect the meta game. This is currently a nebulous idea/cloud that I hope forms into something a touch more concrete. I'm constantly playing with vastly different groups of people and my goal is to optimize fun to the level where nobody even thinks of checking their phone. That's my moonshot. 

Haiku of the Day:

Wistful brown napkin

cast off by a pickup truck

crossing the train tracks

Today's Drawing

Dunnage

1 : loose materials used to support and protect cargo in a ship's hold; also : padding in a shipping container
2 : baggage

Build it ALL!

Day Four for Imaginary Life Five, Carpenter:

I discovered Homemade Modern and now I'm going to go make all the furniture forever. I've already started a wishlist for the new place and I can't wait. This is the most excited I've been able it so far!!!

Check it out! It's going to be concrete, wood and copper pipes for DAYS! Woot.

And actually I've begun a small plan to outfit the entire house with all kinds of things. It's all going to depend on the space we have, but here are a few things (this is mostly an updated list from earlier in the carpenter line):

-A bed frame (Must accommodate for dual lighting or a lit headboard, a charging station for phones and shelves for books)

-A vanity table for Emily

-A board game table for me

-A computer/drawing/craft desk for the two of us

-Board game shelves (if we don't end up using the ones from our bed frame

-Aquaponics tank with plants (may need a book to help with this construction)

-Many many places to hang and place plants

That's all for now!

Haiku of the Day:

Turtle nest digging
at the foot of a park bench
The act is grueling

Today's Drawing

Dedication

1 : a devoting or setting aside for a particular purpose or use
2 : a name and often a message prefixed to a literary, musical, or artistic production in tribute to a person or cause
3 : self-sacrificing devotion
4 : a ceremony to mark the official completion or opening of something (as a building)

Bugs?

Day Five for Imaginary Life Seven, Survivalist:

I got to the entomophagy chapter for my zombie survival book and I'm that much closer to trying meal worms or crickets. I'd like to at least give cricket powder a go, just to see what it's like. Then maybe graduate up to whole roasted if I'm feeling brave. *shudder*

I'm also keenly interested in growing sprouts, growing a far more comprehensive herb and salad garden and even looking into trying out some foraging if I get the chance. It would be nice to learn how to identify different edibles in the urban wilds.

Haiku of the Day:

Cinnamon Bun crepe
that's called the Gooey CK
Nearly makes me sick

Today's Drawing

Soul Mate

1 : a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament

2 : a person who strongly resembles another in attitudes or beliefs

Curses! Broiled again!

Check Check Check 1,2...1,2

Yeah still not doing great here. I'm crawling by on fumes. But still progressing despite. I'm working up to getting be into reading and I'm nearly caught up with my drawings. There will be a massive upload that happens tomorrow since I'll finally get the time to scan them. I'm still on the fence about whether to do the Cleansing month in September...It would require a taking out cursing, animal products and drinking. I think I might at least try the cursing thing. I swear like a f*cking sailor.

Stats so far:

Days of My Lives:
1. Dancer - 3
2. Board Game Designer - 3
3. History Teacher - 3
4. Poet - 3
5. Carpenter - 3
6. Voice Actor - 3
7. Survivalist - 4
8. Playwright - 3
9. Drag Queen - 3
10. Spiritual Counselor - 3

Haiku of the Day:

Vegan diner fare

More food than one should consume

I need a long nap

Today's Drawing

Tog - to dress especially in fine clothing — usually used with up or out

Kickin' it!

Day Four for Imaginary Life One and Nine, Dancer and Drag Queen:

Had my first and only rehearsal before the performance with heels...It's dancing and drag so I count it as both. A whole bunch of dancing and some pain. I'm convinced the shoes are too small, but again this could also just be the typical pinch that all woman have to deal with wearing these torture devices. Ugh. Much respect. I learned a little on how to walk and was surprised that it was rather easy to balance. What I wasn't ready for was a lack of mobility. The heels shortened my gait and made it harder to do things like jump or bend over. Though high kick are endlessly fun.

All in all, a lovely day dancing around with a bunch of other men wearing women's shoes! :)

Haiku of the Day:
Let us all walk proud
in whatever way we wish.

Friends and femmes unite!

Today's Drawing

Zest

1 : a piece of the peel of a citrus fruit (such as an orange or lemon) used as flavoring
2 : an enjoyably exciting quality : piquancy
3 : keen enjoyment : relish, gusto

Meta-Game

Day Four for Imaginary Life Two, Board Game Designer:

Had some old friends from college and Baltimore in for the weekend. Naturally, we played a bunch of board games. Something interesting came out of it:

One of the players was purposefully screwing over one other player in particular. This created an immediate discord because it caused everyone's strategy to shift. Sometimes this happens when I play with my wife, as we tend to have more experience with the games we're playing, and it creates an unintended slant to the game as a whole. I'm curious if there might be a way to create this as part of a game...or to create a sort of meta-game for gamers to play when they're playing a game night: Sort of like king's cup where certain rules are created during the course of the game that don't have much to do with the actually game itself.

And yes, this does mean I might very well create a Board Game: The Board Game game.

Haiku of the Day:

Meticulous fly
rubs together his black limbs
like a Bond villain

Today's Drawing

Vestige

1 a : a trace, mark, or visible sign left by something (such as an ancient city or a condition or practice) vanished or lost
b : the smallest quantity or trace
2 : a bodily part or organ that is small and degenerate or imperfectly developed in comparison to one more fully developed in an earlier stage of the individual, in a past generation, or in closely related forms

Tone and Cravings

Day Four for Imaginary Life Six, Voice Actor:

Worked on some new voices today. I think it's good to have a healthy set of impressions and originals. Very fun to modulate and play. Still figuring out my microphone so hopefully some news stuff will be up soon. Time will tell.

Haiku of the Day:

A sudden craving
The body screams for sweet things
and I am helpless

Today's Drawing

Filial

1 : of, relating to, or befitting a son or daughter
2 : having or assuming the relation of a child or offspring

Eyes on You

Day Four for Imaginary Life Three, History Teacher:

I've become a ravenous consumer of news. And through this consumption I stumbled upon Malcolm Gladwell's Revisionist History Podcast. I recommend giving it a look when you have the chance. He's got a season's worth of material out and it's all incredibly enlightening. Even the website is cool!

Haiku of the Day:

Malaise spread on thick
I stare at screens, half-lidded
Where the hell am I?

Today's Drawing

Resilience

1 : the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress
2 : an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change

Self-Yelp

Day Four for Imaginary Life Ten, Spiritual Counselor:

So I've ordered a coping book. A coping book for mood disorders and stuff. My plan is to work through it with the guidance of a therapist of some kind once I get to Silver Spring. I'm the closest I've been in a while to going head on back into the psychiatric establishment to better right the ship and steady the sea. This means making it a new priority and re-examining where the self ends and the disease begins. I've too often believed the hypo-manic self is my true self, my ideal self. This means I spend the rest of the time self-medicating and mourning and searching. It is not an efficient or productive way to live. It has hindered any professional aspirations I've had and kept me in a state of arrested development, despite the efforts of this blog.

Let's get back to basics.

Haiku of the Day:

Splayed hand hits the dash
a bony starfish on blue
for a moment: Ease

Today's Drawing

Rectify

1 : to set right : remedy
2 : to purify (as alcohol) especially by repeated or fractional distillation
3 : to correct by removing errors

Ambivalence

Day Four for Imaginary Life Four, Poet:

A prenatal poem

(please forgive the tail, transparent skin and open skull)


An Ode to Ambivalence

Here's to the mixed feelings -
The standing at the crossroads with a map and scratched head -
To the fear of too many menu options
And hesitating when someone asks "What do you do?"
This is a tribute to my inability to say goodbye
without shoving both feet in my mouth.
An epode to PC or MAC, Red or White and Boxers or Briefs.
It's for the crippling anxiety that comes from free will.

You've made me a difficult partner
A flaky friend and a cowardly salesman.

But you also stayed my hand when it mattered most.

When the bold man, the confident man would have:

-taken the handful-
-slit the wrist-
-pulled the trigger-

My trembling ambivalence swayed the hand
with a torrent of ifs
and options
and the why why why?

Without you, my "But wait..."
I would have succumbed
to the One True Certainty
(besides taxes)

So thank you,
channel-surfer and whif-waffler,
you thin rigged edge of a quarter.
Thank you for making it all so foggy.
For doing that horrible thing you do best
when I needed it most.

Haiku of the Day:

Cesar Flickerman

Hunger Games host and icon

styled my hair today

Today's Drawing

Bogus - not genuine : counterfeit, sham

Goodbye Once More

Check In...?

I'm the most delinquent I've even been. I've dropped the Monthly Goals until we have a new place. Probably a new apartment and state and job and new year. I have to concentrate on the next three months - to support and pack and say goodbye.

So here's what's there. The plans will be what they can. I will pick up the pieces after the hurricane blows through.

Stats so far:

Days of My Lives:
1. Dancer - 3
2. Board Game Designer - 3
3. History Teacher - 3
4. Poet - 3
5. Carpenter - 3
6. Voice Actor - 3
7. Survivalist - 4
8. Playwright - 3
9. Drag Queen - 3
10. Spiritual Counselor - 3

Haiku of the Day:

Wrong side of the bed

A fetid funk that lingers

in the summer heat

Today's Drawing

Devotion 

1 a : religious fervor : piety
b : a religious exercise or practice for private use
2 : the act of devoting
b :  the fact or state of being ardently dedicated and loyal

Again and again and...

Day Four for Imaginary Life Seven, Survivalist:

I'm surviving today. Getting by in the heat and in the head. Coming through unscathed isn't an option but I will come through. Again and again and again and again and again and again....

Haiku of the Day:

Friends from Germany
came to town to beat the heat
and check out Boston

Today's Drawing

Misanthrope - a person who hates or distrusts humankind

Heart/Mind

Day Three for Imaginary Life Eight, Playwright:

(It's late. Heart wakes with a start.)

Heart: Oh god! Mind! Mind did you feel that?

Mind: Feel what?

Heart: I think...I think something's wrong.

Mind: What makes you think that?

Heart: I don't know. I feel weird.

Mind: Like...irregular or something?

Heart: Yeah yeah...maybe. Something like that.

Mind: You're going to have to be more specific if you want me to do anything-

Heart: WHOA! There it is again. 

(Heart takes Mind's hand and presses it to itself)

Heart: See?

Mind: It's probably nothing. Last time is was nothing and you got me speculating and that led to-

Heart: But what if this time's different?

Mind: Then what?

Heart: I don't know! I feel like it's going be bad...

Mind: I'm shutting this down. Go back to bed Heart.

(Mind turns over. Heart is wide awake and shaking. It starts breathing heavily. It starts making a low whining noise)

Mind: Stop it.

Heart: I'm scared.

Mind: Concentrate on something else. If you get scared, I get scared.

Heart: But what if-

Mind: No more ifs! You know I'm trying to cut back on the ifs. They're nothing but trouble.

Heart: But without the ifs-

Mind: Where do they get us Heart? Huh? They're bad news.

Heart: But if you don't go through the possibilities-

Mind: Then what? We get to just live our lives moment to moment and I don't have to work so hard all the time. And you know if I work hard, you work hard. Now stop talking, I need to get some rest for reasons scientists have yet to figure out.

(Pause)

Heart: Isn't that crazy?

Mind: (sighs) What crazy?

Heart: That no one knows why we sleep. We spend a third of our lives doing it and-

Mind: Stop baiting me and go to sleep.

(Pause. Heart starts shaking and whining again.)

Heart: Could we please check the magic box?

Mind: (sitting up suddenly) No! The Magic Box is the gateway to my if addiction and you know it! Stop enabling me. We talked about this with Terry. I know you're scared and you feel strange but it's just a feeling and feelings pass. UNLESS we linger on them. So find a way to stop and please PLEASE just go to sleep. 

(Mind turns over again. Heart is subdued. Suddenly a vessel pops and Heart starts bleeding everywhere. Heart tries to wake up Mind but there is no response. Heart tries to stop the bleeding but it is too much. Heart climbs out of bed to get help but slips and falls. Heart is knocked unconscious. There are a few moments as Heart bleeds out all over the floor. Mind does not get up.)

END

Haiku of the Day:

A familiar song

snags the heart in summer air

and coaxes out tears

Today's Drawing

Kith - familiar friends, neighbors, or relatives

Destruction, Reversed

Day Three for Imaginary Life Five, Carpenter:

What is it to be a builder? To work with one's hands at raw materials until a thing is made? What on earth can I build? What are my raw materials? This deep self-loathing? A history of supreme enlightenment in tandem with existential gut-dread? How on earth so I

go about molding that into a useful thing? How do I begin making something of worth? Will the questions end? With the unraveling of the mind reveal a clear smooth core? Or am I going to find that I'm all twine and that each unspooling is one step closer to a frayed end and a messy tangle?

BUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHH

Haiku of the Day:

Married man at home
no wife to keep things civil
chaos reigns supreme

Today's Drawing

Edify - to instruct and improve especially in moral and religious knowledge

Lines

Day Three for Imaginary Life Two, Board Game Designer:

Played a game with whole slew of good friends. It was intriguing to watch all the dynamics at play. I'm excited to start working more of it into my day to day. I'm also starting to think I may need to push some of these goals back a bit with the impending move. The last year I was able to accomplish so much because I had one job. It was hell but it was consistent. This new world though...there's going to be a great deal to digest and I won't have the wherewithal to keep up all the poles...

Haiku of the Day:

Divining the line
between the good and evil
with homemade pizza

Today's Drawing

Amity - friendly relations between nations

Uuuuggggguuuhhhh

Day Three for Imaginary Life Four, Poet:

The poet cries out in a strangled sort of cry.

You know, like you're drowning or something.

But like, a figurative drowning, because metaphor?

Oh God. Oh dear God...Is this what it feels like?

Why on earth would you have such a feeling as this.

I'm calling management.

(Picks up phone and dials. Music is heard. It is Aqua's "Barbie Girl" but modulated into a minor key.)

What the....?

(The music grows in volume. The phone begins shaking. It glows to the brilliance of a star and the explodes in a shower of diamonds and wet paper. For a moment, there is nothing. This extends into the next moment and then the next into eternity.)

Haiku of the Day:

Gabbing with madre
over beer and fresh sushi
Superb company

Today's Drawing

Glower - to look or stare with sullen annoyance or anger

Bus Time Teller

Day Three for Imaginary Life Ten, Spiritual Counselor:

As most of the day was spent on a bus, a great deal of reflecting was going on. I'm at a hard place right now in most aspects of my life. There's a great deal of change on the horizon - I can see the masts rising up from the earth's curve. It's hard to make out the alligance of those ships. Are they pirates? Is it aid from the homeland? Or is it some alien power come to decimate my people and transform my way of life beyond recognition? Or most realistically, is it a mirage to keep me distracted from the earth beneath my feet and all my friends and habits that have become shrubbery in being steadfast?

Time's the teller on this one guys.

Haiku of the Day:

Go on - I dare you.
Say "literally" again
and see what happens.

Today's Drawing

Kerfuffle - disturbance, fuss