Shaving Headaches in the Dark

So back on New Years, I did a post of vignettes reviewing the year and one of them was helping my grandfather shave while he was in the hospital. It was both a heartbreaking and funny moment, as the drugs he was on prevented him from lifting his arm but also left him so addled he could only concentrate on going over his upper lip over and over again. A week or so before the wedding and a few months after he had passed, my aunt Sue gave me the electric shaver that we used on that day. It was a wonderful gift and I took it on myself to use it on the day of my wedding. So when the day came, I turned it on and did few thoughtful passes of my barely stubbled face (I don't grow much facial hair.) Satisfied with the result, I turned it off and noticed it was a little dirty. Upon wiping it down, I accidentally opened it up. And there, heaped in the metal and plastic mechanisms, were swathes of white hair previously belonging to my grandfather.

So there I was, in a hotel bathroom with my brother snoring in the other room, sobbing over the guts of an electric shaver.

His was the first of many blessings that day.

Haiku of the Day:
And if you stumble
at least stumble with a smile,
so your teeth break too.

Today's Drawing (inspired by the word "Headache" from the SDHUHVURHAOIWWOIEROSDHGF)

Today's "365" Project (Make something that using only black materials today.)
"The Domestic Weapons of Mordor"

Lumbering Along

Been a while since one of these was posted, but I'm still keeping track. With less than two months away, I've got some work ahead of me.

Week 44

Stats:
Running Mileage (ON HOLD DUE TO INJURY): 649.68/1,000
Push-ups: 8,255/10,000
Sit-ups: 7,890/10,000
Pages Read: 8,119/10,000
Books Read: COMPLETED 25/25
Words Written: 79,828/100,000

Fasts (Days without)
Internet: 89/100
TV: COMPLETE 124/100
Gaming: COMPLETE 218/100
Meat: 83/100
Junk: 85/100
Booze: 75/100

Let's just go in order. Running was kept on hold through the vacation due to time constraints and fear of injury. I'm planning on sending out a call to arms soon to have some friends do a "guest run" to help bridge the gap by June 25th. I do miss it. I have been getting slight cardio workouts in with my Hero's Journey workout, so I imagine starting up again shouldn't be too difficult but I will take my time this go. Shooting for at least 100 miles in the next two months.

Push-ups are higher than sit-ups because I do more of them with the previously mentioned Hero's Journey workout. They both should be easy I just have to put in the time. Hopefully they'll be some of the last sit-ups I do because of all the evidence that they're really bad for your back.

Pages are on the right track, and I hope to get some decent reading sessions in soon. Currently going through the works of H.P. Lovecraft in addition to a collection of stories by Lydia Davis. Both are lovely but difficult in their own ways so I'm been lily-padding them over the past few weeks. I also finished my book requirement which seems meager to most but, at about two and a half books a month, this is the most read I've been since early high school...and back then I had time. SO MUCH TIME. (And that's where someone chimes in with "Wait til you have kids!" and then I throw a shoe at their head.)

Words written is still a toughie and will be until the bitter end...you may be privy to a few novellas in the last days and for that I apologize. As far as the exercise of writing everyday goes, I think it's been helping at a turtle's pace. Must keep the big picture in mind when facing the dumb, white, empty page. Most of it is and will be garbage. Get over it, try and things will get better.

As far as fasts go, most everything's on track except for my alcohol consumption which took a big hit with the wedding and subsequent honeymoon. I'll have to be vigilant if I want to make the 100.

I feel good about the rest of it...I'm looking forward to shedding these "365" prompts...I think I can make my own things without it at this point.  I will forge through with the final 50 of so and then move forward. Already have a few things in the works for the AFTER times. Getting excited!!

Also I'm doing a 30 day cold shower thing starting on Friday. Will have Emily tape the first one for posterity. Get ready for some pleading and squealing.

Haiku of the Day:

My gaping wrist wound
taunts from the corners of eyes
The real and ugly

Today's Drawing (inspired by the term "Sea Sickness" from a dramamine flashback)

Today's "365" Project (Make something using things you would only find in a hardware store. Shark Attack!)
"Lumber Mouth"

Return Fatigue

I've been back three days and already it all seems...stale. I feel misplaced and uncomfortable in my skin. Those old feelings of isolation are popping right back up again. I feel as if I had never left. But there's a ring on my hand and scars on my arm that demand the contrary. I'm grasping at the pale, empty, dark for a feeling of comfort or belonging and continue to clutch in a vacuum.

Not to alarm, this is a work musing, a testimony of the toxic space. Home life is lovely. I wish I had more of it to burrow back into my skin of a while before I have to be human again.

Haiku of the Day:

A distorted face

peers back with metal sheen in

the urinal crown

Today's Drawing (inspired by the word "Portmanteau" from MW's word of the day. It's a large suitcase or a synthesis of two words. I went the simple road.)

Today's "365" Project (Make something that rolls.)
"Return Cycles"

I'M BACK!

WOW!

I just...

I mean...

...yeah.

WOW!

This hiatus was so wonderful, not only for all the love from friends and family over the course of the wedding but also for all the brilliant, funny, insightful and amazing guest posts I received for the past two weeks. I can't stop smiling at how cool it was to see this chorus of voices from my life come together and sing there own wacky little songs. It reminds me of when I used to do this "Spiral Sojourn" thing with friends from college, where we would sit and listen to music and let our minds open to the subconscious and see what came out. I'm still endlessly intrigued by how complex, weird and strangely touching those visions would be and this feels so like that. Thank you everyone for your openness and bravery in what you gave in. I feel truly honored.

As a small review, here's a vignettey/highlight reel of things that happened while I was away. I will elaborate on some of these in the next few weeks later...I imagine:

Wedding:

-Watering a tiny love agave with a large pitcher

-Emily reaching to comfort one of our officiants, Tym, as he tears up while speaking

-Everyone laughing when "Rogaine" was sung when Emily was walking down the aisle

-Getting in a tiny fight while sitting at the head table during the reception about my getting angry at the photographer

-The whole Chodos Clan dancing like David Byrne

-Finding out that everyone was crashing the other weddings in the building

-Holding Emily for the "end of the night/going through the threshold" picture and having children run in front of us and freeze

-So many smiling faces while we slow motion cut the cake

Honeymoon:

-Drinking nothing but Kona beer for ten days straight

-Two words: Vampire Taco. (It's a food item...get your head out of the gutter.)

-Flying over the archipelago to get the Big Island.

-Hiking the Diamond Head and counting the Selfie-Sticks

-Driving through the black, rocky, desolate lava fields.

-Constant fear of cane spiders and NEVER SEEING A SINGLE ONE

-Scandinavian Ice in the sun

-Getting our Manta Ray Tour cancelled due to a faulty fuel pump and getting drunk and watching Mad Men instead

-Beer and smoothies for breakfast

-Lizards everywhere

-Stopping and waiting for Emily to take photos...and not minding.

-Stray cats everywhere

-Playing games with Emily on the make-shift recovery ward we set up in the living room by the balcony after she cut her foot in the ocean

-Watching a sea turtle inch it's way up a black sand beach with a blend of awe and heartbreak

-Scraping up my left arm and right hand on some rough lava while watching and walking at the same time.

-Brute force winds leading to a lagoon where my snorkeling mask breaks on the first try.

-Watching Emily snorkel while sitting on the edge of a tidepool and feeling so grateful I weep.

Haiku of the Day:

And from the shadows,

the smiling creep emerges

to walk the last length

Today's Drawing (Going down a somber road and being inspired by the protests and riots happening in the place I still consider a home.)

Today's "365" Project (Do something that could only be seen from far away. This one's hard to do in a single day, but it is coming!)

MEandER

(Today's blog is brought to you by the munificent master of wit and jest, Cam Cronin. Thank you Cam!!)

A dog sits at his desk. Why, he wondered. Was there something important to be done? Taxes to file? Check! Emails to answer? Reindeer toy! Annuities to be neutered? 1996 Silver Honda Accord LX!

When he says his desk, he means HIS DESK.

A 6^th place ribbon from obedience class Olympics taunted him, posted to the desk-backing corkboard too askew for his liking. He knew today was the day he would master the “shake” trick.

Haiku of the Day:

Do any of them,

Ornithologists that is,

fear banana peels?

Today's Drawing 

Today's "365" Project (Do something inspired by the shape of the plant nearest to you.)
"Resourceful 3rd Grade Vegan"

"I’m Serious”

(Today's blog comes from intrepid space cowboy and treasure hunter, William Chodos, who happens to be my brother. He has his own video production company. Check it out here!)

The beast coils in my stomach ready to attack. An ache grows behind my eyes. I hear my heart pound in my ears. My skull creaks with the groan of gnashing teeth. My arm flexes with an electrical surge. My shoulders turn to concrete and fuse to my spine.

Across from me something demands my attention. The beast in my stomach lurches and my vision returns.

“What?” I groan, the voice is not mine.

“You taking my picture, now?” The something gurgles, flashing it’s teeth. Its golden gilded teeth. Its grill.

“Please, take that out.” I nearly hiss. My neck is hot, soon it will be paralyzed. “We can’t use the photograph if you don’t take it out.”

The thing shakes it’s head and smirks “I can’t - it’s permanent” It sucks the saliva loudly from the metal in it’s mouth.

The beast gnashes and snarls, tearing at my stomach lining. I breathe fire.

“So, you eat with that in?” I imagine the gold spontaneously turning molten, I almost smile.

“Yeah,” it oozes “I got it done in Milwaukee.” It gurgles out a laugh.  A laugh of neither boy nor man, it’s horrifying. I catch his eyes dart to his peers, seeking approval.

Standing nearby, a gangly wreck of skin and bone, with a fist for an adam’s apple, chortles. I catch the unfortunate creature’s gaze.

The beast rips through my stomach and tears past my lungs. It slashes into my heart where it coils up comfortably, content. It’s home.

The gangly wreck sees the change. The crooked smiles dissolves to a frown. Fear flashes in his eyes. The fist in his throat uppercuts his chin. The beast purrs.

My head swings from the appetizer to the main course. “I will destroy you,” the beast whispers to me, “You are nothing”. The grilled clown looks at me perplexed. I can hear the gears turning - little hamsters in wheels tripping over themselves. He doesn’t understand, he doesn’t know what’s coming. He is my prey.

“What?” He burps, gargling the last consonant.

Then it happens. The beast churns and bursts forth, propelled by rocket fuel. My entire body goes numb, frozen in wrath.

“HEY!”

I stop. For an instant the room is frozen, silent. My entire body is submerged in ice cold water. My voice echoes softly in the high-school gymnasium. Students, and staff alike, turn to the sudden and violent outburst. All eyes are on me, ground zero. The beast is gone.

I catch no eyes. I admit no fault. I continue to work.

“Look right here at me. Big smile. One, two.. three.”

CLICK

“Next please!”

Haiku of the Day:

Not right now, okay

Not never just not right now

Please leave me alone

Today's Drawing (inspired by the phrase "An Uphill Battle" spoken by Matt Wolf)

Today's "365" Project (Do something with a pad of sticky notes.)

When licking the ice cream of your foe, don't be lured into sharing yours.

(This post is brought to you by the hurling dynamite dervish, Mike Kiley. Also for context Allie is his girlfriend. Thank you Mike!)

Ashey White Blonde Girl

Basically every single person in my life said not to get involved with her. Literally, about two dudes were like “Go for it. She'll be a good time”. Ever the adventurous type, I disregarded better judgment and paid for that first date.

I was more stimulated than I ever really anticipated I would be. I could see the appeal my seedy peers endorsed. Though she demanded so much of my time and my money and wasn't especially great on her own, she seemed to make everything better. This became increasingly true as she intruded as a domineering force on most of my life. In her absence, I became panicky and didn't quite know if I would be able to make the right decision or if I could trust myself to not be a miserable prick.

As time went on, it became harder and harder to conceal the relationship from my wiser relations. I began to rationalize that the self-destructive nature of our time together was some sort of bohemian romance. A suffering cycle that made life worth living. Reinforcing this lie took more and more work as she drained me of my confidence, finances, and esteem.

Leaving her was my decision, but it certainly hasn't been easy. It never has been. She always happens to be in just the right place at just the right time. This is the fifth time I've left. Its so familiar sensing that she makes other things better that I often seek her company if I am trying to live a bit realer. Whatever that means. The way it ends is I end up drained from bloodletting to keep her around.

I hate knowing what I love about her.

I can't forget.

This piece was composed in its entirety by Mike while Allie got ready for bed. Allie had an opportunity to modify it while Mike brushed his teeth. These time constraints were ambitious.

Haiku of the Day:

Nape of Nate's Neck:

Furry. Scented like Curry.

The candle smolders.

Today's Drawing

Today's "365" Project (Take an advertisement and do something to change it's message. Hold onto your hats for this one folks.)

Original

Modified

S'morn

(Today's post is brought you by the black widow ninja shadow-cat, Nicole Clark. She's an amazing artist and a wonderful neighbor. Check out her stuff here!)

A Letter To My Love
Why must you tempt me so? 

Such fragrant sweetness, I salivate

Such delectable bitterness, I shudder

Such gooey, soft melt at the very core of your being.

Patience, my dear, Patience. Practicing such restraint.

Savoring each morsel of you, my love, until full satisfaction is mine.

Never enough time. Always wanting more. 

And then, in one swallow, you are gone.

Until one day, when I make you mine, shall you remain in my memory

Aflame.

Haiku of the Day:

Deep Dark Chocolate

Grahams and marshmallow aflame

Deliciousness mine

Also Bonus Haiku!

Omnipotent Flame

Maker of delicious treats

My s'mores await

Today's Drawing:

Today's "365" Project (Do something with matches, fire or flame.)

Things I noticed from the doorway

(This blog post is brought to you by the magnanimous hurricane sprite, Ellen Ambrose. As a side note, I'm traveling deep into volcano country today and tomorrow, so I may not get the next guest post up within that timeframe but they are still coming and I am still so grateful and in awe of all of you! Thanks!)

Some reasons why I want to go to the jungle:

I’ve never been to the jungle. I prefer to be warm; I have heard it is hot in the jungle. Even better. The jungle is full of sounds. The jungle is full of animals. There are bursts of color when the jungle orchids bloom and the jungle parrots fan their tails. There might be a waterfall. Or a rainfall like a waterfall. It smells like living things and dirt. The sun makes golden chutes through the canopy and deep shadows. I think I could stay calm if I saw a snake, as long as that snake was not too close to my foot or my face. The air feels heavier in the jungle. Animals are talking out of sight. Vines make sidewalks and slides and ladders through the trees. Tree trunks are too big to wrap your arms around.  Leaves can live over 25 years in the jungle (maybe much longer).  I would like to see an old leaf. Insects make their insect sounds, flying and crunching on the leaves. I want to know what it is to share space with so many living things. The jungle is empty and full at the same time. The jungle is a surprise.

Haiku of the Day:

Dishes in the sink

Flakes of food and grease floating

In a soapy pool

Today's Drawing (inspired by the word "Kerfuffle")

Today's "365" Project (Make chimes out of any material you like.)

Alcoholic Animals Anonymous

(Today's blog is brought to you by my great friend and heat-seeking nuclear missile Tymoteusz Kajstura. Give him a salute as he rockets by because he completed this in one day!)

Mary knew Brent had done it. The vodka bottle was empty, the lawn mown, and dinner prepared. The bunny sat eating alfalfa in its recently cleaned cage. He had certainly done it, she thought. Brent wasn’t so sure, but was certainly drunk.

Haiku of the Day:

A small bird took aim.

She dropped a deuce on the car.

Mama bird was proud.

Today's Drawing:

Today's "365" Project  (Make something using old containers)

To the Vital

(This blog post is brought to you by the Kiki Samko, power goddess and fashion tour d'force. Give her a deserved round of applause for finishing her post in a single day!)

I like to run. To feel my feet hitting the ground step after step, pounding the ground. A reminder that I am drawn to the earth. That no matter how high my mind goes up and away from here, that my body knows where it belongs and will pull me back to the center. I like to run. To feel that energy connecting me to all the other things on this planet, drawing each of us to the same place, the same essential place where breath begins. To feel the fibers of my muscles propelling me forward and towards something but also ever-downwards, rooting me. To feel the atoms alive inside the body, but also everywhere without. I run and run and run. I breathe and breathe and breathe. 

Haiku of the Day:

Take me to the place

Where breath begins: that hollow

Notch at the soul’s base.

Today's Drawing:

Today's "365" Project (A project inspired by touch, using fellow beast Cam Cronin and a behanded figurine supplied to the cast of Betty Bam! by Molly Kimmerling. Drawing on the moment of God touching life into Man (in this case, Woman!) as depicted in Michelangelo's Sistine Chapel ceiling painting.)

Death, Rebirth, and Sea Cow Sexuality

(This post is brought to you by Nate Safren, talented life juggernaut and fresh resident to Ann Arbor. His free write is in the form of a resume but this program doesn't transfer formats well so I've at least provided the text here.)

Phallic Baldwin

142 Washington Blvd Baltimore MD, 21201

Phone:  (410) 358-9595| Email:  hititquitit@hotmail.com

EDUCATION

University of Phoenix

Bachelor of Science (B.S) in Integrative Philately, 2008

Studied the masturbatory behavior of southeast asian dugongs in the laboratory of Dr. Dominic Canoli.  In both anesthetized and awake dugongs we recorded the evoked responses of accumbal neurons to manual and oral stimulation of the genitals.  Upon caressing the phallus with a foam pool noodle we observed characteristic firing patterns.  These sequences were used to electrically stimulate sexual-stimulus-responsive neurons in the absence of natural stimuli.  By analyzing the behavior elicited by both the natural and artificial stimuli (electrical stimulation) we sought to discover which neural responses are responsible for different characteristics of sexual arousal. This research lead to the development of a brain machine interface which allows dugongs to achieve a permanent orgasmic state.  Such a condition has proven to significantly reduce lifespan. As such, DARPA has funded research into applying the technology for human population control.

University of Compton School of Medicine

Doctor of Philosophy in Forensic Astronomy, 2014

While working in the lab of Dr. Jean Pierre Goldstein I studied the healing powers of the scarab of Ra. Ancient manuscripts speak of the supernatural powers of a golden talisman made in honor of the sun god Ra.  In collaboration with the University of Dundalk archeology department, we excavated tombs in the Nile river valley to recover this precious artifact.  Through a series of landmark experiments we discovered that possession of the scarab during the vernal equinox increases libido, reverses male pattern baldness, and effectively combats MRSA.

PUBLICATIONS

1) Mutations in exon 6 of ARY48 greatly reduces ejaculatory output of southeast asian dugongs.

Baldwin P, Murrayr J, Van Pelt VM, Rosenberg JL, Ulcer L,

Frontiers in Masturbation l. 2012 Jun;123(8):825-43

2) Deep Blue Semen:  A comprehensive review of Dugong Sexuality

Baldwin P, Armstrong N

PLoS Philately. 2014 Jan 23;9(2):e87510

3) Gold, frankincense and MRSA.

Baldwin P, Chang C, Dooog K, Mazda MC

Dope Research. 2014 Dec 10

AWARDS AND GRANTS

American Society for Sea Cow Sexuality Travel Award 2008

NAACP Black Excellence in Philately, 2012

PRESENTATIONS AND ABSTRACTS

Ear tagging deaf children reduces street hockey fatalities.

Poster at American Society for interdisciplinary fingerblasting (ASIF) Annual meeting

San Francisco CA, 2012

Dark Wing Duck:  A retrospective

Poster at University of West Dakota Annual Retreat Dundalk MD, 2013

Croissants: Proper pronunciation and delicious filling suggestions.

Oral Presentation at the Center for DIY OBGYN care Dundalk MD, 2013

  

JOURNAL REFEREE

Acta Spanakopita

RELEVANT SKILLS

Dugong Work:  breeding and maintenance of colonies, genotyping, behavioral assays including manual and oral stimulation, pool noodle fluffing and high frequency lateral stroking.

Molecular Biology:  cloning, PCR, real-time PCR, South Korean human cloning program

Biochemistry: western blots, GST-pulldowns, John Travolta assay, protein purification

Yard Work: raking, digging, shoveling, mowing.

Software:  Microshaft Ex-girlfriend, Adobe In Control, Autodesk Destroyer

Haiku of the Day:

CGB Spender

Alien Human Hybrids

Well manicured man

Today's Drawing (inspired by the word "Talisman")

Today's "365" Project (Make something inspired by a random date in history. For the random date Nate got December 18th.  He depicted the birth of Joseph Stalin.)