Death, Rebirth, and Sea Cow Sexuality

(This post is brought to you by Nate Safren, talented life juggernaut and fresh resident to Ann Arbor. His free write is in the form of a resume but this program doesn't transfer formats well so I've at least provided the text here.)

Phallic Baldwin

142 Washington Blvd Baltimore MD, 21201

Phone:  (410) 358-9595| Email:  hititquitit@hotmail.com

EDUCATION

University of Phoenix

Bachelor of Science (B.S) in Integrative Philately, 2008

Studied the masturbatory behavior of southeast asian dugongs in the laboratory of Dr. Dominic Canoli.  In both anesthetized and awake dugongs we recorded the evoked responses of accumbal neurons to manual and oral stimulation of the genitals.  Upon caressing the phallus with a foam pool noodle we observed characteristic firing patterns.  These sequences were used to electrically stimulate sexual-stimulus-responsive neurons in the absence of natural stimuli.  By analyzing the behavior elicited by both the natural and artificial stimuli (electrical stimulation) we sought to discover which neural responses are responsible for different characteristics of sexual arousal. This research lead to the development of a brain machine interface which allows dugongs to achieve a permanent orgasmic state.  Such a condition has proven to significantly reduce lifespan. As such, DARPA has funded research into applying the technology for human population control.

University of Compton School of Medicine

Doctor of Philosophy in Forensic Astronomy, 2014

While working in the lab of Dr. Jean Pierre Goldstein I studied the healing powers of the scarab of Ra. Ancient manuscripts speak of the supernatural powers of a golden talisman made in honor of the sun god Ra.  In collaboration with the University of Dundalk archeology department, we excavated tombs in the Nile river valley to recover this precious artifact.  Through a series of landmark experiments we discovered that possession of the scarab during the vernal equinox increases libido, reverses male pattern baldness, and effectively combats MRSA.

PUBLICATIONS

1) Mutations in exon 6 of ARY48 greatly reduces ejaculatory output of southeast asian dugongs.

Baldwin P, Murrayr J, Van Pelt VM, Rosenberg JL, Ulcer L,

Frontiers in Masturbation l. 2012 Jun;123(8):825-43

2) Deep Blue Semen:  A comprehensive review of Dugong Sexuality

Baldwin P, Armstrong N

PLoS Philately. 2014 Jan 23;9(2):e87510

3) Gold, frankincense and MRSA.

Baldwin P, Chang C, Dooog K, Mazda MC

Dope Research. 2014 Dec 10

AWARDS AND GRANTS

American Society for Sea Cow Sexuality Travel Award 2008

NAACP Black Excellence in Philately, 2012

PRESENTATIONS AND ABSTRACTS

Ear tagging deaf children reduces street hockey fatalities.

Poster at American Society for interdisciplinary fingerblasting (ASIF) Annual meeting

San Francisco CA, 2012

Dark Wing Duck:  A retrospective

Poster at University of West Dakota Annual Retreat Dundalk MD, 2013

Croissants: Proper pronunciation and delicious filling suggestions.

Oral Presentation at the Center for DIY OBGYN care Dundalk MD, 2013

  

JOURNAL REFEREE

Acta Spanakopita

RELEVANT SKILLS

Dugong Work:  breeding and maintenance of colonies, genotyping, behavioral assays including manual and oral stimulation, pool noodle fluffing and high frequency lateral stroking.

Molecular Biology:  cloning, PCR, real-time PCR, South Korean human cloning program

Biochemistry: western blots, GST-pulldowns, John Travolta assay, protein purification

Yard Work: raking, digging, shoveling, mowing.

Software:  Microshaft Ex-girlfriend, Adobe In Control, Autodesk Destroyer

Haiku of the Day:

CGB Spender

Alien Human Hybrids

Well manicured man

Today's Drawing (inspired by the word "Talisman")

Today's "365" Project (Make something inspired by a random date in history. For the random date Nate got December 18th.  He depicted the birth of Joseph Stalin.)