The Fragility of Men
I woke up from a nightmare early today. I was in some kind of soccer game with on old friend of mine from college and things got competitive. I remember few details (such is the nature of dreams) but the emotions I felt were vivid. Something happened during the game that was personal and we were hurt and angry. After the game, he approached me and in a heroic action I never would have conducted in reality, I made him look me in the eye. And then a deluge of remorse spewed out of him. I held him while he sobbed and confessed that he didn't mean for it to get out of hand and I sobbed with him and confessed that I felt the same and reassured him that it was ok and I understood.
This is what woke me (that and probably the fact that my arm was so thoroughly asleep. I thought it was Emily's for a second, but that's not important.) I was floored by how quickly the anger fell away into love and realized how easy I fall into this same trap: the trap of resentment and distance and hard terrible pain and fear of feeling and rejection. And how the culture of "saving face" forces us into corners where to emote is death, is weakness.This is not the man I thought I was. But this small instance forced into light the many times I have fallen into this non-emotive trap, the macho plug-up, and that it is why I have become a nomad. Why I don't want to go to high school or college reunions. I am terrified of the feelings those old friends force me to have just by being. I'm terrified by being ruled by ancient grudges and petty slights. I am terrified for good reason because I know the deadly power emotions wield within and outside of us. It is good to be scared. But it is not good to run away from that fear. Someone smart once said something along the lines of "Bravery is not fearlessness. Bravery is being afraid and fighting against that fear regardless" It's showing up.
Weird that this happened on the one day a year littered with minor betrayals where you can't trust anyone. Or not that weird I guess.
UPDATE!
Week 40
Stats:
Running Mileage (ON HOLD): 649.68/1,000
Push-ups: 7,190/10,000
Sit-ups: 7,190/10,000
Pages Read: 7,329/10,000
Books Completed: 22/25
Words Written: 71,964/100,000
Fasts (Days without)
Internet: 78/100
TV: COMPLETE 109/100
Gaming: COMPLETE 201/100
Meat: 78/100
Junk: 79/100
Booze: 71/100
Haiku of the Day:
Stomachs in tandem
gurgling happily on
burger and fry bliss
Today's Drawing (inspired by a gumshoe hunch)
Today's "365" Project (Make something inside out. I flipped my cloth body husk!)
"sdrawkcaB naM"
I woke up from a nightmare early today. I was in some kind of soccer game with on old friend of mine from college and things got competitive. I remember few details (such is the nature of dreams) but the emotions I felt were vivid. Something happened during the game that was personal and we were hurt and angry. After the game, he approached me and in a heroic action I never would have conducted in reality, I made him look me in the eye. And then a deluge of remorse spewed out of him. I held him while he sobbed and confessed that he didn't mean for it to get out of hand and I sobbed with him and confessed that I felt the same and reassured him that it was ok and I understood.
This is what woke me (that and probably the fact that my arm was so thoroughly asleep. I thought it was Emily's for a second, but that's not important.) I was floored by how quickly the anger fell away into love and realized how easy I fall into this same trap: the trap of resentment and distance and hard terrible pain and fear of feeling and rejection. And how the culture of "saving face" forces us into corners where to emote is death, is weakness.This is not the man I thought I was. But this small instance forced into light the many times I have fallen into this non-emotive trap, the macho plug-up, and that it is why I have become a nomad. Why I don't want to go to high school or college reunions. I am terrified of the feelings those old friends force me to have just by being. I'm terrified by being ruled by ancient grudges and petty slights. I am terrified for good reason because I know the deadly power emotions wield within and outside of us. It is good to be scared. But it is not good to run away from that fear. Someone smart once said something along the lines of "Bravery is not fearlessness. Bravery is being afraid and fighting against that fear regardless" It's showing up.
Weird that this happened on the one day a year littered with minor betrayals where you can't trust anyone. Or not that weird I guess.
UPDATE!
Week 40
Stats:
Running Mileage (ON HOLD): 649.68/1,000
Push-ups: 7,190/10,000
Sit-ups: 7,190/10,000
Pages Read: 7,329/10,000
Books Completed: 22/25
Words Written: 71,964/100,000
Fasts (Days without)
Internet: 78/100
TV: COMPLETE 109/100
Gaming: COMPLETE 201/100
Meat: 78/100
Junk: 79/100
Booze: 71/100
Big week for reading, writing and fasting. Not so great on the exercise front. The knee is still being incredibly dumb. Will probably see a doctor once I get back from the honeymoon if it still persists. Found a new site I may start using soon that provides some amazing variety and difficulty for work-out called DareBee. Check it out there are some great workouts and most of them are body weight based so no gym membership required!
Haiku of the Day:
Stomachs in tandem
gurgling happily on
burger and fry bliss
Today's Drawing (inspired by a gumshoe hunch)
Today's "365" Project (Make something inside out. I flipped my cloth body husk!)
"sdrawkcaB naM"
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