Top Ten Tues!
Top Ten Things about Living with Bipolar Disorder!
1. Medications are hard For anyone who's seen or knows someone who's seen a psychiatrist, this is kind of a no-brainer. But for those who haven't, understand that there's never going to be a pill that just fixes this stuff. It involves months of tinkering with an already messed up system, and then using that same system to gauge it's progress. The question: "Does this feel good or normal?" makes absolutely no sense to someone that has really no idea what that would be like. More often than not, you find yourself in a whole new realm of crazy, where nothing is where you're used to it being, and you end up wishing for your old crappy bat-house back. And don't even get me started on the side effects on top of it.
2. Discrimination is crafty and very real I was blessed with some pretty understanding people growing up, but when I moved to Montana things were a bit different. One time, I was giving plasma (like you do) and the nurse asked me if I had been hospitalized lately. I had within the past two years of being asked, so I told her that I was hospitalized for bipolar disorder. There was a palpable silence in the room as the woman thought it over, and then here eyes got really wide and she started talking to me very calmly, like I was a bear or a bomb. She did her best to talk me out of donating and tested me for all kinds of drugs. This happens with a bunch with people outside the medical field too, but her response was the most jarring.
3. You feeling testy when people talk about controlling your feelings I'm a relatively calm guy. I tend to implode rather than explode, but if you tell me to calm down or "stop being a spaz," I'll be propelled into a murderous frenzy. Most people just don't know better, and I get that, but as someone who spends a great deal of psychic energy keeping my emotions in check, I find it patronizing. My feelings are mine to express, and unless they're hurting you in someway, please don't tell me to control them. Cause sometimes I really can't.
4. Therapy makes you hyper-reflective to the point of paranoia This one might just be me personally, but I have to try hard to turn off the self-evaluation. It's ingrained in my system to think about why I'm feeling every single thing that I am, and what it's reacting to, and how it is being perceived by others. It's that last one that gets me, the feel of a shrink's placating steely gaze patiently anticipating my next move, only to have them ask me why I said it or where it came from. It's like having a toddler in your brain that's only interested in you. It messed me up for quite a while, those cyclical mirrors upon mirrors.
5. You lose your sense of self When I was first diagnosed, I had a severe identity crisis. Like most mental illnesses it becomes difficult to reconcile and differentiate yourself from the symptoms of the disorder. This is especially hard on friends and family, who bear the brunt of the swings. This muddling of identity leads into next point...
6. You trust nothing you feel I'm still feeling the effects of this one, squashing and shaping all emotions, real or impostor. It becomes a natural response and so there's constant doubt about whether the feeling is "appropriate" or "justified." This leads to a great deal of general doubt, and one of the causes of my deep-seeded indifference.
7. You think about procreating in a weird way I'm getting married in the spring, and I'm still on the fence about children. Don't worry, Emily has similar concerns. One of the big ones for me is passing this horrible monster on to a child. I had a pretty hard time and had a lot of help and luck that got me through it. I see what could have gone wrong, and I think about that for my potential children. But then again, who better than me to guide them through it?
8. High threshold for emotional pain I can say about every three months or so I go through a sort of hell gauntlet where everything bubbles up and overflows and I feel like my whole brain is on fire. Gets you a pretty thick skin for a lot of things. Also breaks you down a bit too, so sometimes the littlest dumb thing will set off a spiral. Regardless, my threshold is very different from most, and that's a constant strain when folks just don't get it.
9. No sleep schedule If you don't exercise or medicate with either booze or drugs, sleep is tough. I often only need 5-6 hours at most. I also have the uncanny ability to wake up minutes before my alarm. Just saying.
10. God-Hand/Electric Moments A few words on mania: It feels amazing. Brings me to tears. But it carries a lot of danger too. I often undereat and frequently hurt myself unnecessarily while overexerting my body and my schedule. But man those god-touching moments are miraculous.
Top Ten Things about Living with Bipolar Disorder!
1. Medications are hard For anyone who's seen or knows someone who's seen a psychiatrist, this is kind of a no-brainer. But for those who haven't, understand that there's never going to be a pill that just fixes this stuff. It involves months of tinkering with an already messed up system, and then using that same system to gauge it's progress. The question: "Does this feel good or normal?" makes absolutely no sense to someone that has really no idea what that would be like. More often than not, you find yourself in a whole new realm of crazy, where nothing is where you're used to it being, and you end up wishing for your old crappy bat-house back. And don't even get me started on the side effects on top of it.
2. Discrimination is crafty and very real I was blessed with some pretty understanding people growing up, but when I moved to Montana things were a bit different. One time, I was giving plasma (like you do) and the nurse asked me if I had been hospitalized lately. I had within the past two years of being asked, so I told her that I was hospitalized for bipolar disorder. There was a palpable silence in the room as the woman thought it over, and then here eyes got really wide and she started talking to me very calmly, like I was a bear or a bomb. She did her best to talk me out of donating and tested me for all kinds of drugs. This happens with a bunch with people outside the medical field too, but her response was the most jarring.
3. You feeling testy when people talk about controlling your feelings I'm a relatively calm guy. I tend to implode rather than explode, but if you tell me to calm down or "stop being a spaz," I'll be propelled into a murderous frenzy. Most people just don't know better, and I get that, but as someone who spends a great deal of psychic energy keeping my emotions in check, I find it patronizing. My feelings are mine to express, and unless they're hurting you in someway, please don't tell me to control them. Cause sometimes I really can't.
4. Therapy makes you hyper-reflective to the point of paranoia This one might just be me personally, but I have to try hard to turn off the self-evaluation. It's ingrained in my system to think about why I'm feeling every single thing that I am, and what it's reacting to, and how it is being perceived by others. It's that last one that gets me, the feel of a shrink's placating steely gaze patiently anticipating my next move, only to have them ask me why I said it or where it came from. It's like having a toddler in your brain that's only interested in you. It messed me up for quite a while, those cyclical mirrors upon mirrors.
5. You lose your sense of self When I was first diagnosed, I had a severe identity crisis. Like most mental illnesses it becomes difficult to reconcile and differentiate yourself from the symptoms of the disorder. This is especially hard on friends and family, who bear the brunt of the swings. This muddling of identity leads into next point...
6. You trust nothing you feel I'm still feeling the effects of this one, squashing and shaping all emotions, real or impostor. It becomes a natural response and so there's constant doubt about whether the feeling is "appropriate" or "justified." This leads to a great deal of general doubt, and one of the causes of my deep-seeded indifference.
7. You think about procreating in a weird way I'm getting married in the spring, and I'm still on the fence about children. Don't worry, Emily has similar concerns. One of the big ones for me is passing this horrible monster on to a child. I had a pretty hard time and had a lot of help and luck that got me through it. I see what could have gone wrong, and I think about that for my potential children. But then again, who better than me to guide them through it?
8. High threshold for emotional pain I can say about every three months or so I go through a sort of hell gauntlet where everything bubbles up and overflows and I feel like my whole brain is on fire. Gets you a pretty thick skin for a lot of things. Also breaks you down a bit too, so sometimes the littlest dumb thing will set off a spiral. Regardless, my threshold is very different from most, and that's a constant strain when folks just don't get it.
9. No sleep schedule If you don't exercise or medicate with either booze or drugs, sleep is tough. I often only need 5-6 hours at most. I also have the uncanny ability to wake up minutes before my alarm. Just saying.
10. God-Hand/Electric Moments A few words on mania: It feels amazing. Brings me to tears. But it carries a lot of danger too. I often undereat and frequently hurt myself unnecessarily while overexerting my body and my schedule. But man those god-touching moments are miraculous.
Haiku of the Day:
Fire ants crawling up
limbs as he takes one big step
off the desert cliff
Today's Drawing (inspired by the word "pratfall" from Dictionary.com's word of the day.)
Today's "365" (Do something with quilling)
"Summer Spirals"
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